If I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places.

Sometimes, I wish I were still fat. I wish I carried around the 189 pounds I lost at all times. I wish I were tired all the time. I wish for the high blood pressure, the heavy breathing, the fatigue, the awkward stares I got from total strangers. I would once again be content to treat every thread of clothing like gold, because I would need it to last for as long as possible, lest anything else fit me. I would be ok with breaking furniture, and not fitting into restaurant booths. I'd drop out of school again, because I would still feel as if I wasn't human enough to raise my hand and answer a question. I'd be spiteful to everyone I met, and suspicious, because I had to be mean to others before they had the chance to be the same to me.

I'd take it all back, because then, at least, I wouldn't have the opportunity to experience the heartbreak I am feeling right now.

Like a Creature in the Night...

I'm going to do the laundry...tomorrow.

I'm going to mow the lawn....tomorrow.

I'm going to restart my life...tomorrow.

I'm to restart this blog....tomorrow.

I'm going to eat this entire bag of chips....right now.

While you are away, my heart comes undone...

Hello, you've reached Germán. I'm not in right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you.

I should update more often. Really, I should. However, I don't think many of my readers want to hear the daily minutiae of my life, even if I present it as a haiku:

Eskimo plane drone
"No I cannot assign seat"
Repeat until old

So instead, I am leaving a youtube treasure. Remember those ridiculous after school specials that aired in the late 80's/early 90's? The ones that featured horrific acting and plotlines written by a two year old? Those are my guilty pleasure. I watch them because they are my crack.

Anyway, below is a clip featuring Helen Hunt. Forget her award-winning role in As Good As It Gets. This is Oscar worthy.

One day, we're gonna live in Paris, I promise you.

My best friend Tylana and I were trapped in her bedroom the other night. We found an old VHS copy of "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" and found it slightly sad that we knew every line and were waxing nostalgic about nineties fashions. This, coupled with screaming matches of "I'm the Mary!" led to fits of laughter. Then the camera came out.







I love my friend. My life is better that she is in it.

The Second Star To The Right...

[Dear readers, it has been a truly crazy month. With new babies, new responsibilities at work, a new found social life, and other bizarre moments of happenstance, I simply haven't had time to update. Upon close examination, I found this half-finished entry tucked into the folds of my dashboard. Enjoy-g]

In exchange for forty hours a week of mind-numbing torture, my employer allows me to use our airline to fly freely across the country. (Of course, this is utterly useless this week, but that is a different story)

Last Tuesday,I had originally planned on heading to Seattle for a day of perusing Pike Place Market and shopping along the waterfront. The friends with whom I was supposed to travel canceled at the last minute, and I was left looking forlorn on my bed, discussing possible alternatives to my cat. (Don't do this, cats really don't care)

The Goddess obviously heard my quandary, since my good friend Janice rang the phone shortly after. "Let's go to Disneyland!" She said. How could I say no?

Getting there, however, was a comedy of errors that could only happen to me.

You see, really, it started at the airport. I made the mistake of showing the TSA agent my airline ID going through the line. Having lost 140 [EDIT: 152 lbs now! -Germán] pounds since that photo was taken, I can safely say that I resemble nothing like the Hutt pictured. The TSA agent looks at my badge, looks at me, looks at the badge again, arches an eyebrow, then marks the boarding pass with indecipherable hieroglyphics that could only mean "rectal search" in federal shorthand. Off he pointed into a shadowy abyss, where I was soon acquainted with large man named Lars and a metal wand.

Later, an announcement was made that our flight to Portland was delayed. We were supposed to make a connection there and head directly to Orange County, but we would now miss our flight and that was unacceptable. I noticed that the non-stop to Los Angeles was open, and so to Los Angeles we went.





I love LAX. I really don't care what anyone says. The musty smell upon arriving at Terminal 3 reminds me that I am in Southern California once more and authentic Mexican food and Starbucks baristas actually able to pronounce my name are only moments away. I also love re-enacting scenes from Jackie Brown in the Rainbow Hallway.

Once that was done, we boarded shuttle to take us to The Happiest Place on Earth. Except, it wasn't quite the official shuttle we were looking for. The Disneyland Express (or whatever it's called) wasn't the bus with Mickey ears rounding the corner at Terminal 3. Instead, we were greeted by a rotund man with a thick East-coast accent driving a brown rapist van with no windows. He offered us a ride at a decent rate. Janice and I, being the adventures that we are, stepped into the van and hoped for the best.

I couldn't help but notice the faint smell of Funyuns that permeated the shag carpet in the interior. As the driver settled into the seat, his largess spilled over the armrest, exposed to the air vent. This, in turn, created a fell wind that suffocated us in the back. Janice and I exchanged side glances as he started to drive, and the same thought ran trough our heads. I am going to die. This man is going to take us to the desert, get us out of the car, and shoot us. All because I had to pay five dollars less to get to Disneyland. Damn my thrifty ways.

The driver simply would not shut up. The entire drive over, he told us his endless tale of the time he was a caterer on the set of Die Hard. We learned that Die Hard was filmed during an incredibly hot winter, that the permits to film at LAX were extremely hard to get, and that Bruce Willis is a pretty amiable chap who loves his turkey and Swiss.

Eventually, after a detour through Compton, we arrived at the Holiday Inn Anaheim. After a bleach shower to get rid of the Funyun stank, we took the shuttle to Disneyland.

Once upon a time, I used to be employed by the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando. I was given may complimentary park hopper passes, which I kept. Knowing that I could exchange these passes from Disney World to Disneyland, I approached the customer service counter and flashed a grin.

I was denied. Yes, you can exchange Disney World to Disneyland tickets, but only if they were not comped. 94 dollars please.

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful. We rode rides. We walked miles. We acted like large children. I think I need to go back...

You will have to excuse the poor quality of the above photos. My crappy camera phone will only do so much.

And Anotha' One, Yet Anotha' One

My sister-in-law Tiffany delivered her third child today in Boise. My mother, sister, and myself watched my niece and nephew throughout the day, but there was a visit to the hospital to see the newborn girl. As of yet, there is no name for her (I guess that had one picked, but then couldn't decide once she was born), so I guess until then I will call her Elora Dannen, the child princess from Willow.

Behold: picspam. I would caption, but I have to get back to work.

Lemmings, we are all lemmings. Let me start...

I usually leave memes exclusively for Myspace, but I figure this I would do this survey in lieu of some verbose recap of my year. I know you adore me, readers, but even I would not subject you to that. Feel free to skim, read, copy and repost, etc.

Year end survey.


1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
The first thing that came to mind is that I have never shopped at stores before. Actual "mall" stores with clothes on mannequins and labels on the vestments. I've always been too large, having been shunned to catalog orders full of clothes made exclusively for boating or golfing.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I tend not to make resolutions, because that just gives you a reason to break them. I do, however, remember telling myself that I would try to actually enjoy my life as opposed to always waiting for something to happen in the future. I think it worked out, with various degrees of success

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, though someone close to me will be giving birth any day now. However, I think I should save that for my 2009 year in review.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I have to think real hard on this, because my first thought is "no" but then I might remember someone that I did know that died, and I would feel horrible. Upon reflecting, though, I do believe the answer is still "no."


5.What countries did you visit?
No countries this year, other that the one I live in.

6.What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
You know, I am not going to answer this. My expectations in life are so low, that I become surprised with any sort of event that happens in my life.



7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
This answer is obvious: May 12, the day I had RNY.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I'm starting to sound like a broken record: losing about 145 pounds. Gaining confidence. Realizing that I have a sense of self-worth.



9. What was your biggest failure?
Once again, failing to follow through on my goals. I did get a number of them done, though, so I should give myself some credit.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had to be hospitalized three times this summer. I also had a kidney stone (which I passed just in time to meet my idol David Sedaris, which made for a great conversation starter. That, however, is another story)


11. What was the best thing you bought?
Those damn skinny jeans that give me an ass. My buttocks are concave, really, and this garment actually manages to correct that.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Amanda Climer. I have completely fallen in love with this girl. I love how she is sorting out her life, and has realized her potential. I stand in awe of her everyday, and for the first time, can use the word "blessed" when describing my friendship with her.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I'm not going to answer this.


14. Where did most of your money go?
Student loans, my cell phone bill. Clothes. Hookers. Heroin. Other things that start with "H"

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Surgery, of course.

16.What song will always remind you of 2008?
Oh, there are lots. The entire "Kala" album by M.I.A. " "None Of Your Business" by Salt N Pepa. "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. "The Girls" by Calvin Harris. "Walk It Out" by whoever the hell sings that song.


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i.
Happier or sadder?
Neither, I would say "more frustrated"

ii.
Thinner or fatter?
Thinner!


iii.
richer or poorer?
Still living paycheck to paycheck

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Traveling. It is so easy, given my job. However, I always find some bill to pay or some "responsible adult" thing to do that prevents me from getting on a plane and leaving.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Paying bills and other "responsible adult" things so that I would travel.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
I spent the holiday with Tylana, Janice, Paul, and Vodka. Tylana, Janice, and Paul were great fun, but Vodka made me do things.....terrible things.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Well.....yes. I never articulated that to anyone, and the whole situation ended badly, but I am glad that it happened when it did, because the Object made me grow as a person.

23. How many one-night stands?
What are those? I know not what you speak of.


24. What was your favourite TV program?
My favorite TV show will always be "Six Feet Under" and I WILL marry Claire!


25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I don't think so.


26. What was the best book you read?
"Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret"


27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Justice, probably.

28.What did you want and get?
A hot car on a cold night. Being cryptic is fun, but I am sure Patty knows what I am talking about.



29. What did you want and not get?
The honeybear.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Oh it has to be Juno.


31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 25, and spent the evening having the 1980's prom I never had.



32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more
satisfying?
Having more money, of course. Doesn't that make everything better?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Does it fit? Yes? I'll buy it.

34. What kept you sane?
Amanda Climer. Patty Coe.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Absolutely none of them. Unless you count anything Toni Collette does, I want to have babies with her.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Obama. I understand if people did not want to vote for him based on their political beliefs, that's fine. It was the massive lies and racial assumptions people made. I have never felt more proud of my right to vote this year, if nothing else to cancel out the vote of the redneck calling him a terrorist.

37. Who did you miss?
My best friend Sarah, I will always miss her.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Everyone who I met.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008
People are a lot nicer to you when you aren't as fat.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Oh that is simply impossible.